i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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