he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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