Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
