I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
