Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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