I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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