Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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