A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
