why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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