theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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