maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
