if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
