I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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