At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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