This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
