remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
