i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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