I CAN MOONWALK!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.