In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
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I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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