Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
