I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
