Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
