I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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