whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
