does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
