Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
