Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
