I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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