it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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