Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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