I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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