your thong is hanging out like whoa
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
