this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
