cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ketchup is God's man juice
why do cheetos always look like penises
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
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How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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