please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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