A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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