True but thats because hes a fetus.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
