dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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