Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
