Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
