Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
