You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love having hate sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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