Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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