No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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