I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
