idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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