I could make wine with my vomit
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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