lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
