How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
