So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
