I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
