my mouth tastes like poor choices
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
