No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
