I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
