god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
