Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
