listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
