found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
