if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
two words: eviction party
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
