So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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