All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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